Scene: Bar in a pub next door to a London Teaching Hospital. Enter two male doctors in white coats. Both stand rigidly, almost to attention, looking ahead into the distance.
Dr 1 (on the left, and the more senior one): Sorry to drag you away from the fun, old boy. Government chappies on our backs again. Profession’s not doing too well, you know…
Dr 2 (on the right): Oh my God, sir!
Dr 1: …medicine is a psychological thing, Perkins, rather like a game of football. You know how in a game of football ten men often play better than eleven?
Dr 2: Yes, sir.
Doctors turn to face each other.
Dr 1: Perkins, we are asking you to be that one man. I want you to lay down your career, Perkins. We need a futile gesture at this stage. It will raise the whole tone of the profession.
Dr 2: Thank you, sir.
Dr 1: I want you to get a typewriter, Perkins.
Dr 2: Right you are, sir.
Dr 1: Type up details of all the suspicious deaths you know about.
Dr 2: As you say, sir.
Dr 1: Take them over to the BBC…
Dr 2: Sir!
Dr 1: …and don’t come back.
Dr 2: Yes, sir!
Dr 1: Goodbye, Perkins. God, I wish I was coming too.
Dr 2: Goodbye, sir – or is it – au revoir?
Dr 1: No, Perkins.
All because…I am Perkins!
(With all due apologies to Cook/Miller).
Link to the original sketch on YouTube – absolutely brilliant!