Dr No's Editor's Choice

A selection of Dr No's posts, ordered by number of page views. Older posts tend to have more weight because they have been around longer, and so have more time to gain page views.

Re-order by date (latest first), number of comments (desc), no particular order (random) or return to order by page views.

Commissioner – The Apprentice

Medium shot. Sixteen business types strut across London’s Millennium Bridge to the accompaniment of a revved up version of Prokofiev’s Dance of the Knights. The business types are not ordinary business types – they are GP business types.

Voiceover: It’s the job interview from hell. From across the country, Britain’s brightest GP commissioning prospects head for London.

Cut to smug GP business type, large phallic buildings in background.

Smug GP: There’s absolutely nothing mediocre about me. I’m supremely intelligent, ambitious, I’m an all round gifted individual.

GP Who Wants To Be A Commissionaire?

Chris Tarrant (to camera): Welcome back to GP Who Wants To Be A Commissionaire? – our new show in which your GP competes to see how big a budget he or she can win with which to buy your healthcare. In the chair tonight is Professor Stevie Paddock, hot from the Royal College.

(audience cheers from the RCGP camp; Tarrant turns to Paddock)

Tarrant: How are you feeling, Stevie?

(music swells as camera zooms in to Paddock who looks hot and sweaty)

Tarrant: Take your time, Stevie, before answering.

Carry On Commissioning

Dramatis Personæ

King Field, out-going Chief Pongo.
JD, a Jobbing Doctor.
The Darzi of Dagenham, a Stooge.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Grumble , a Hospital Doctor.
Queen Enchilada, Chief Pongo elect.


Scene I—The Tudor splendour of Richmond House, a GP commissioning group hide-away deep in the heart of the Essex countryside.

Enter King Field, in a silly red and yellow hat.

Field. Infamy, infamy! They've all got it in for me!

NHS – The Apprentice

Opening Titles: Camera swoops across London teaching hospital rooftops – St Thomas’, Guy’s Tower, the cruciform Royal Free. The second half of Mars from Holst’s The Planets throbs loudly. Cut to UCL’s Accident & Emergency entrance at night. A large NHS blue Roller, Registration Mark NHS 1, arrives, with what appears to be a Belisha Beacon in the back seat. The door opens, and Lord Sugar steps out, looking very grim. He points at an Ambulance Paramedic.

Sugar: You’re Fired.

Paramedic: Thank you, Lord Sugar. (walks off, trailing a defibrillator trolley on wheels, towards a waiting taxi. The Belisha Beacon gets noticeably oranger).

Voiceover: The NHS. A decayed, inefficient state monopoly that consumes money as a waterfall does water. Waste is everywhere, and indifference is rife. Even nice Gerry Robinson couldn’t fix the NHS. Lord Sugar has had enough.

Sugar (to camera): It’s a shambles, a bloody disgrace.