Posts tagged with Spoofs

Scene: a secret bar located in the basement of Number Ten. The Prime Minister and his Director of Communications sit alone sipping lager.

dc: Coalition’s not going so well.

ac: Oh my God, sir!

dc: Press hounds everywhere, sniffing at our backsides.

Electronic braying noises. A Tardis appears. Out step Drs Crippen and Grumble. They stand side by side, surveying the scene. Dr Crippen has aged, and now looks like the first Doctor Who.

Dr Crippen: Grumble! Sorry to drag you away from the fun, old boy.

Dr Grumble: That’s alright sir.

Dr Crippen: War's not going very well, you know.

Dr Grumble: Oh my God!

Dr Crippen: We are two down. Marshals Field and Meldrum have joined the enemy.

Opening Titles: Camera swoops across London teaching hospital rooftops – St Thomas’, Guy’s Tower, the cruciform Royal Free. The second half of Mars from Holst’s The Planets throbs loudly. Cut to UCL’s Accident & Emergency entrance at night. A large NHS blue Roller, Registration Mark NHS 1, arrives, with what appears to be a Belisha Beacon in the back seat. The door opens, and Lord Sugar steps out, looking very grim. He points at an Ambulance Paramedic.

Sugar: You’re Fired.

Paramedic: Thank you, Lord Sugar. (walks off, trailing a defibrillator trolley on wheels, towards a waiting taxi. The Belisha Beacon gets noticeably oranger).

Voiceover: The NHS. A decayed, inefficient state monopoly that consumes money as a waterfall does water. Waste is everywhere, and indifference is rife. Even nice Gerry Robinson couldn’t fix the NHS. Lord Sugar has had enough.

Sugar (to camera): It’s a shambles, a bloody disgrace.

Once again, the BBC proves how far ahead it is of the competition…not to mention Al Jazeera…

Scene: The Radio Four Today programme studio, on air. HUMPH sits at a desk, chewing a carrot. JIMBO sits on a bean-bag, reading an upside down copy of the King James bible. He is muttering to himself.

JIMBO: You say Naughty, I say Kno’ch’oty. What’s in a name? Quite a lot, I suppose, if you are that b*rstard H*nt. F*cking ar…

PRODUCER (within): Shut it, Jimbo.

HUMPH (on air): Earlier today, Jimbo talked to Dr David Bennett, the new Chair of Monitor, the NHS Regulator.

This is my last Chair as Postman of Council, and I write it with great joy. The last three years have been the most wonderful time; it’s been a great privilege to travel the length and breadth of the UK telling the great unwashed how to live their lives. But the real privilege has been being able to meet and suck up to politicians, journos and other movers and shakers across the country in my bid to become England’s next Chief Medical Officer. It’s been wonderful to see the great way these people lap up everything I have to say. In this, I do of course take my lead from my hero, Sir Liam Donaldson, England’s last CMO. If I can aspire to be even half as wonderful as Sir Liam, then I shall be well pleased.

RNLI crews, expert mariners that they are, often have to deal with casualties. The Institution has recently attempted to simplify first aid for crews by introducing ‘Big sick/Little sick’, an approach which reduces initial assessment of a casualty to simple question. It is a clever approach, and Dr No has decided to apply it to a question that has been ruffling him lately: whether Scot Junior was entirely innocent in his fate? He did, after all, build an impressive log cabin, and dumped it where it could be read. Might he in some more significant way have been the architect not just of his cabin, but of his own fate? In the battle between Needham and Scot Junior, who of the two is the bigger Richard? Who, when we get to the bottom line, is the ten bob note, and who the two bob bit?

The government continues to push its quaint vision of local GPs doing local healthcare commissioning. Many who know rather more about the National Health Service than the government do have pointed out this is a non-starter. But let us imagine for a moment what might happen if all GPs did take on commissioning. It might go something like this:

Scene: Walmington-on-Sea Church Hall. Platoon drawn up, Mainwaring and Wilson face them.

MAINWARING: Right, Men. I’ve a very important announcement to make. (inflates chest) We’ve orders from the ministry to fix the NHS. Its going to be the next big thing. (inflates chest further, taps swagger stick on flipchart for emphasis) Its called Home Guard Commissioning. We’re going to show these Johnny-come-lately American chaps how it’s done.

Medium shot of Kemp standing, arms folded across chest, outside a Nissen Hut.

KEMP (to camera): I’ve been given exclusive access to one of the most feared gangs in the country. A gang responsible for mayhem and misery on a colossal scale, a gang so powerful that it can and at times does hold the country to ransom, but, at the same time, never shirks from bank-rolling its pals. A gang so heinous that few dare speak its real name. Instead, it is the gang simply known as (dramatic pause) The Cabinet.

Camera pans to Nissen Hut, then back to Kemp who walks towards hut. Shaky handheld camera follows. The door has a dilapidated sign nailed to it which says ’Keep Out’.

In the light of the BBC’s blackout of news coverage of the NHS revolution, certain insurgents within the Corporation have been making their own programmes to cover the shortfall. Dr No was lucky enough to be given access to I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue’s NHS Special – and has kindly been given permission to publish a short extract.

Chairman Dee: NHS managers have been getting a lot of flak recently, being blamed with ruining the once efficient running of the national health service. There is talk of mass redundancies. Would any of the team like to suggest films that might appeal to hospital managers who have fallen on hard times and are stuck at home with nothing but a DVD to watch?

Many doctors in the United Kingdom will have recently received a copy of Count Rubin’s New Year round-robin ‘Be Ye of Good Cheer’ letter. Dr No can reveal that Count Rubin has also recorded a New Year message, shortly to be made available to younger members of the profession who either can’t be bothered to open GMC letters, or if they do, lack the motivation to read them. In keeping with the Council’s new media-rich interactive way, this message will be made available as a podcast. For older members of the profession who can’t be messing with all that new-fangled stuff, Dr No is pleased to present The Official Transcript of Count Rubin’s New Year Podcast to the Profession:

Good Evening. I have recently been travelling around the country on your behalf, and at your expense, visiting some of the chaps with whom I hope to be shaping your future...