Posts tagged with Spoofs

Captain Mainwaring’s Casualty

Late April 2016. As hospital consultants and staff doctors across England prepare for the first ever full walk out by junior doctors, similar preparations take place at Walmington-on-Sea…

Scene: The local District General Hospital Casualty Department. Mainwaring and his platoon stand facing each other. All are wearing baggy theatre greens with stethoscopes draped in the modern fashion round their necks, except Wilson who is wearing a Prince of Wales check suit, with a large neurologist’s hat-pin in his lapel. Frazer has on an ENT surgeon’s head mirror, flipped to the up position, and the light reflects off it like a heliograph as he darts glances here and there. Mainwaring has a vintage WWII flare pistol in a holster on a belt, strictly for emergency use only.

MAINWARING: Hurry up and get changed, Wilson.

Crossed Lines

Now that Call 111 has gone live, Dr No has sent a team of his crack undercover reporters into 111 call centres to discover how the new service is working.

The following is a transcript of a secret recording made at a call centre located somewhere in the South of England.

A 111 call centre, with two operatives with headsets on at desks with computer screens. Op-A is taking a call from a patient; Op-B is taking a break; his screen has flashing betting odds on it. We overhear the conversations…

Op-B: I didn’t quite catch that. Did you say the 1:11 at Aintree?

Op-A: That’s right caller, 111 Braintree here, what’s troubling you today?

Op-B: Number 2, Hot To Trot, followed by Rimfire.

Council to Survey Turkeys about Christmas

For Immediate Release:

Council to Survey Turkeys about Christmas

GTC Press Office, London, UK

Thousands of turkeys are to be invited to take part in a survey of their views about Christmas, the General Turkey Council has announced.

The survey is part of a new piece of research examining whether turkeys think the GTC is operating in a fair and objective way and whether turkeys from different backgrounds have different views of the Council’s processes.

Dragons’ Den: The Commissioners

2017: Mid term and the Tories have got fed up with pesky doctor led clinical commissioning groups. The government fires all medical commissioners and appoints its own chosen panel members, often high profile individuals with no understanding of the health service. Westminster’s own clinical commissioning group, known locally as the Dragons’ Den, has a panel consisting of Alan Yentob, Lord Sugar, John Humphrys, Jo Brand and, in a nod to glamour, Siobhan Sharpe, who replaces Stilton, fired because all he ever said was ‘absolutely’. The top of Yentob’s head glows, as if there was a halo inside trying to get out, Sugar has blacked himself up and looks like the last king of a minor African state, Humph sits crumpled like a sack of potatoes with a particularly large King Edward with two eyes in it sticking out of the top, and while the other panel members have stacks of tenners on the tables to their sides, Brand has a stack of Black Forest gateaux. Sharpe is taking a selfie.

My Last Chair as Post

This is my last Chair as Postman of Council, and I write it with great joy. The last three years have been the most wonderful time; it’s been a great privilege to travel the length and breadth of the UK telling the great unwashed how to live their lives. But the real privilege has been being able to meet and suck up to politicians, journos and other movers and shakers across the country in my bid to become England’s next Chief Medical Officer. It’s been wonderful to see the great way these people lap up everything I have to say. In this, I do of course take my lead from my hero, Sir Liam Donaldson, England’s last CMO. If I can aspire to be even half as wonderful as Sir Liam, then I shall be well pleased.

Hark the Con-Dems Do Profess!

Embarrassed by his previous clumsy attempt at spoofing carols in the political way, Dr No now risks adding extra insult to his earlier incompetence by hamming up another dearly beloved Christmas Carol. Dr No begs forgiveness from all those who love our traditional carols, and promises that in future he will leave such delicate matters to those like Anna (her dementia poems are especially moving) who know how to do verse properly.

Pax Pemberton

Dr Max Pemberton – Apology

GMC Statement – For Immediate Release
22 Apr 2013

Earlier this morning, Count Rubin (not his real name) appeared on the Today programme opposite Dr Max Pemberton (not his real name), defending the General Medical Council’s decision to implement new guidance requiring doctors who use social media to reveal their identities.

By appearing alongside Dr Pemberton, and not challenging Dr Pemberton’s identity, Count Rubin gave the impression that the Council knew who the real Dr Pemberton was, had got his number, and furthermore the Council knew where he lived.

Death Bandits

The Hospital Manager’s Association

Top Secret – Eyes Only

The Hospital Manager’s Guide to Massaging HSMRs

Members will be aggrieved to hear that the Doctor Foster Intelligence Unit and its lottery hospital standardised mortality ratios (HSMRs) are here to stay, despite several recent papers showing the methodology to be unsound.

Members will appreciate that they supply the raw data used by Dr Foster, thus providing opportunities to ‘cook’ the figures before they are passed to Dr Foster. The Association does not condone directly tampering with the data; however, faced with the intractable use of flawed statistics, the Association does believe members are entitled to ‘game’ the system to their advantage.

Ross Kemp Keeps Out

Medium shot of Kemp standing, arms folded across chest, outside a Nissen Hut.

KEMP (to camera): I’ve been given exclusive access to one of the most feared gangs in the country. A gang responsible for mayhem and misery on a colossal scale, a gang so powerful that it can and at times does hold the country to ransom, but, at the same time, never shirks from bank-rolling its pals. A gang so heinous that few dare speak its real name. Instead, it is the gang simply known as (dramatic pause) The Cabinet.

Camera pans to Nissen Hut, then back to Kemp who walks towards hut. Shaky handheld camera follows. The door has a dilapidated sign nailed to it which says ’Keep Out’.

A Knotty Interview

Scene: The Today Programme Studio, sometime after half past seven on Saturday 16th August 2014.

Jimbo (smugly): It’s sixteen minutes to eight and I’m James Knock-Care-Tea. Actually, it’s sixteen and a bit minutes to eight but you know what we say here in the Today studio: close enough is good enough in horseshoes, hand grenades and time signals. So, there you go. Now it really is sixteen minutes to eight – and I really am James Knock-Care-Tea. (chuckles) You can tell I’m the real McCoy because I’m already rambling, and we’re not yet half way through the programme. But I digress. We were all struck this last week, that is the week that’s just gone by, by the tragic untimely death...

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