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October 2009


Pumpkin Positive

One of Dr No’s light-bulb moments, which occurred many years ago, was when he realised that his then world-famous professor was, as we used to say in the old days, not mazda. Lights were on, but there was nobody at home.

Dr Death

Most UK doctors are not doctors, at least not proper doctors. The primary medical qualifications available in the UK are bachelor degrees, not doctorates. The public, as a courtesy, call us Doctor, but even that goes when the provenance of the practice is from the barber-shop – and so we call our surgeons Mr or Miss.

Upsizing Down’s

To most people, screening for medical conditions is simple – a bit like taking a car for an MOT. You catch things in time, and fix them before they go seriously wrong. Often it is like that, but sometimes it is not so simple; and there are even times when screening can be bad medicine.

Word Games

ANIMATION: including dancing Botticelli Venus, which links to locum agency: medical staffing officer (CLEESE) walks into the agency carrying a dead doctor in a cage. He walks to counter where a recruitment consultant (PALIN) tries to hide below cash register.

Malicious Seeds of Mischievous Doubt

“[Most] patients would much rather be a live problem than a dead certainty.”

—Lord Cohen

There are those who say that holocaust denial is a crime; and those who say that the BBC had no business allowing the BNP leader Nick Griffin space on Question Time. Giving air to vile thoughts, they say, allows those thoughts a legitimacy they do not deserve.

Mr Lingtwistics

For many years, the medical journal The Lancet carried a short column called "In England Now". It would contain a snapshot of some aspect of life. One memorable example – Dr No can’t trace the original – cut to the core of the difference between law and medicine.

Silly Girls

Dr Grumble recently described young women who turned up in casualty after taking an impulsive overdose as “silly girls”. There was a predictable volley of screeching from the politically challenged, but Dr No was and is with Dr Grumble on this one. They are silly girls, and to call them otherwise is not only silly, but also downright dangerous.

The Gathering Storm

Sir— We have, over these past few months, seen a sharp rise in hostile activity against our profession. The government, and its evil henchmen, have been waging war against us on many fronts. They have sown malicious stories in the press, and have imposed many vexatious rules upon our work.

Publication of Tomorrow’s Daleks 2009

We have completely rewritten our requirements for undergraduate dalek education, clearly separating the outcomes for graduates from the standards for delivery. We are now more specific in our requirements without undermining the sameness and stagnation for which UK dalek education is known.

The Oxygen of Morality

Kerrie Wooltorton is dead. But she isn’t going to go away. Her sad suicide, and the aiding and abetting of that suicide by her doctors, have opened a door to a cesspit of legal incompetence and medical Eichmannship.

For those who have been frying fish for the last few days, KW was a woman with both depression and emotionally unstable personality disorder who wanted to kill herself. That’s what she said, anyway.

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